Full title and full disclosure: Autism 101: hating your autistic child … and teaching her or him self-loathing.
Twice in the past week I’ve seen “I love my child, but I hate autism” posts by parents of autistics. One was written by a real-life friend I respect greatly, and one was by a Facebook friend I’ve never met.
It’s not that this language is rare. Somewhat shockingly to me, despite much good work by many autistic adults and autism professionals, it is a language still common to many of the largest autism organizations and associations. It is a language still common to many autism parents. It is a language still common to media and general society.
It is, indeed, a language and idea most common and base.
Most times I wince, shudder, and keep moving, because it happens so often and it is so heartbreaking and we can only afford so many broken hearts before we, too, shatter. Or maybe I’m just too cowardly or tired on any given day.
But occasionally I’m triggered, and I say or write something. I have to. Well, I choose to. So here we are.
Let me put it plainly and directly: If you are a parent of an autistic child, you cannot hate autism and love your child.
If you hate autism, you hate your child.
Also, you are teaching your child to hate herself or himself.
Autism is essential to your child’s identity. If you took away her or his autism — which isn’t possible — your child would be a different person.
If you want a different person for a child, you don’t love your child.
So, you aren’t hating autism. Autism isn’t a thing that exists to hate. It does not exist outside of its expression in actual human beings. We’ve just created an idea and given it a name and clustered definition, representing a shared way of being for some people. The only place autism exists is in people — it exists as real people. Instead, you are hating your child, despite your words and beliefs to the contrary. And you are teaching your child self-rejection and self-hatred.
Autism is no different than race or sexual orientation or humanity itself. It is simply part and parcel of a person’s being.
I love my black child, but I hate blackness. I love my gay child, but I hate homosexuality. I love my son, but I hate men.
I love my autistic child, but I hate autism.
Like the others, that is a failed formulation, incoherent thought and emotion and obviously harmful.
It is not love.
It is abusive parenting.
Autism is integral to every part of your child’s personhood. It informs the way he or she thinks, feels, acts, and engages —receives and expresses — with the world, including interacting with people, most certainly including you.
If you want to take away your child’s autism, you will fail. And you will also fail as a parent in every important way.
If you hate autism, you not only hate your child: you hate every single autistic child, every single autistic person.
You are prejudiced, and when you say that you hate autism, you are engaged in hate speech.
Haters gonna hate, the saying goes. But there’s hope. The hope resides in you.
It’s like when someone who is anti-gay is told that she or he has a gay child. A lot of disowning used to happen after that. It was terrible. It caused unimaginable harm. People tried to be who they weren’t. People were rejected. Lives and families were injured.
But the world has changed and people have changed. There’s more acceptance now, more embracing even: embracing that child or adult as every bit as beautiful as anyone else, embracing her or his orientation as an essential expression of who they are, and loving who they are.
Society is a little bit further back on the curve for the autistic population. We’re still trying to cure. We’re still trying to eradicate.
But, setting aside language about there being nothing to cure, there simply is no cure — even if children’s or adults’ expressions of autism are overridden, that’s still who they are inside and how they process and engage the world and exist in the most essential way. It’s like someone gay pretending to be straight or a lighter-skinned black person pretending not to be black. There have been times and places, and there still are places in this time, where that might lead to greater societal acceptance. But no empathetic person thinks such artifice could possibly fulfill a person’s best life — a life that is truthful and joyful and real. I ask you to strive to support your real child in having her or his best authentic life.
It does get complicated, including for me. My son, Nicholas, is 14. He has been described by professionals as having classic Kanner-type autism, at a time when the definition of autism is undergoing undulating expansion.
There is a difference between supporting a child — or any person — and trying to change them into someone else. The difference is in some ways obvious but in some ways fairly sophisticated: we can fool ourselves into thinking we’re doing the former when we’re really doing the latter.
My child is the heart of the world. And I remember quite well the years of tantrums and self-injury, kicking and flailing, no talking, triggers of all sorts in every aspect of his life. He wore a helmet for years to avoid fracturing his skull.
I tried to help him, not change him. That desire drew us to North Carolina and the TEACCH supportive model of structured teaching (and living), rather than “curing.” The strategies we employed helped him feel more a part of the world. They supported him and alleviated some of his stress. The world became more sensible to him. He became happier.
Still, there’s always a balance to be found around “helping” — around parenting and therapy and teaching models. When does supporting someone in their happiness and well-being cross into sending a message of trying to transform their autism — assigning characteristics to autism and labeling them as bad and needing to change — and thereby of rejecting the autistic as an autistic? When do we shift from good intentions, even good intentions with substance and not just parental self-interest, into abuse?
What does the child feel and hear and know?
The answer isn’t easy. It can’t just be about intentions. It’s also about what’s received in words, feelings, actions, perceptions, and emotions. Over the years Nicholas has done an awful lot of occupational therapy, speech therapy, TEACCH sessions, social skills sessions, and more. The thought gave me pause last night. So, as I tucked Nicholas into bed, I asked him — utterly out of the blue for him, but he didn’t hesitate in his replies:
“Nicholas, do you think I hate autism, like autism, or love autism?”
“Poppa loves autism.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because I am Poppa’s guy.”
“And?”
“And Poppa loves me.”
Right. Just right.
Still, acceptance and embracing aren’t always easy. While I’ve never wished Nicholas didn’t have autism — I’ve never hated autism, much less said so — Nicholas had a stroke a few weeks ago, causing significant facial asymmetry, among other effects such as cognitive regression and a diminishment of fine-motor skills and clarity of speech.
His smile, especially, made his face seem contorted. When he would try to smile, his mouth would torque downward and to the left. It looked painful, even though it probably wasn’t. Nicholas was confused and upset both by his appearance and by his inability to control his own facial muscles. He became very anxious, and his tics and stereotypic movements increased significantly over the next few days.
I felt some anguish: this kid sometimes has had a rough time of it. I hoped that the effects of the stroke would just go away, even as I knew that if they didn’t, we would need to accept and embrace them.
Certain effects from a stroke can correct quickly, a good while later, or never. The facial asymmetry improved a lot for Nicholas, relatively quickly, although it still is present and worsens sometimes, at unexpected moments and especially on long days. Also, strokes predict future strokes.
I know I need to help my son find a language and attitude of accepting and embracing should the facial asymmetry increase again or should another major episode occur down the road.
And the only way it will work, the only way it will be authentic and meaningful for him, is if I really mean it.
Thank you for engaging with this article. If you’d be so kind as to share it on social media channels using the buttons below the post, I’d appreciate it. I also invite you to explore some of my other articles about autism on this blog, among them:
- Top 10 List: Things to Remember When Working with Autistic Children
- Accept or Reject: Part 1 of a six-part series on autism value contrasts (with links to the other five pieces)
- On Blackness and Autism, Identity and Essence
- Nicholas Thurman Jackson Hemachandra: the puzzle known as Superman
- Anti-Autism Prejudice
- Autism and Grief
- Roads Not Taken: Lessons in Autism, Inclusion, and Life
- The Autistic Spectacle
- Autism and the Human Condition: Ourselves and the Other, Ourselves as the Other, Ourselves and No Other
Ray Hemachandra at Golden Moon Circles 
Ray, what a fantastic article! And exactly what I needed to read today after seeing this yesterday. http://autism-daddy.blogspot.com/2012/01/to-parents-that-say-i-wouldnt-change-my.html. You should totally make sure he sees your post.
Love your awesome kiddo!
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Hi Ray, Thank you for sharing these thoughts and feelings. I found you through the Autism WOmen;s Network when they posted your article about the media. So glad you and Nicholas are on the planet at this time of exponential shift and change, as pathfinders and wayshowers.
Yes, your sharing helps to open hearts and minds to more nurturing ways of thinking.
I’m a 57 year old person with numerous health issues, including autism. I learned to love myself and “embrace my pace”.
Have been doing years of research and development for Freestanding, Portable Universal Design, which is easily adapted to each individual, and can be used anywhere without having to put holes in walls, etc. (It is called Precious Prrrsn Nurturing Habitat.)
It is based upon Grid Beam, Open Source technology. http://www.gridbeam.com
Being an older person with autism and other challenges, I’ve been focusing on helping to manifest wonderful ways we can live, thrive and age in place with Nurturing Neighborhoods. And I look forward to sharing more about this with you and the world. We are definitely the ones we’ve been waiting for!
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what a beautiful and heartwarming post! Thankyou for sharing :)
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Ray,
Thank you for this post. This more than needed to be said.
Much love,
Priscilla
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I disagree. I don’t equate hating autism with abusive parenting. I also don’t equate autism to my child’s race or ethnicity. If your child has diabetes and you don’t appreciate the way it causes your child to suffer, does that mean you don’t appreciate your child?? NO. If your child has cancer, you can hate the cancer without hating your child. I DON’T believe my son and autism are the same. I see my son as a happy, loving, outgoing child and then BOOM autism! and he’s biting himself, screaming earshattering shrieks and having tantrums because he cannot regulate his emotions or exercise impulse control. That is not my son, that is the wiring problems in his brain, and I absolutely can separate the two. I love my child, I would lay down my life for my son, but I would eradicate the autism as surely as I would eradicate cancer cells if I had the means to do so.
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Here’s the thing, though: Autism is not like diabetes. Autism is not like cancer. Neither of those things are intrinsic to how people with them experience themselves and the world in every respect.
Autism doesn’t exist outside of autistic people. You can cure someone of diabetes and they’re the same person. You can cure cancer, and the person who had cancer is still the same person.
That’s not how autism works.
When you tell people that it’s alright to hate autism…and then those people see autism in your child, or in another person…how do you think they are going to treat your child, or that other autistic person? If they hate something that cannot be separated from them?
When you’re saying that you’d eradicate autism, you are very much saying that you’d eradicate people like me, and people like your son, from the face of the earth.
How are we supposed to take that?
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Here’s the thing though – You are absoutely entitled to feel however you want to about autism. You can find it a blessing for you or your child, you are entitled. What you are not entitled to do is to judge me for feeling differently or try to dictate to me and other parents who share my feelings how we have to feel. You can interpret my feelings through your filters and perspective, but you cannot impose your judgement on me with authority and conviction because it is not empirical or proven. What data do you have to support your assertation that I Hate my CHILD because I dislike Autism? That is a ridiculous, condescending, judgmental, and WRONG statement. I love my child as much as, if not more so, than any other amazing parent.
Autism is most certainly just the same as every other organic condition or disability. “Autism doesn’t exist outside of autistic people” TRUE, but diabetes does not exist outside of diabetics…They are both conditions caused by a malfunctioning of physiology. I can absolutely separate my son from his diagnosis, and for you to assert that I cannot and that I am wrong in thinking the two are separate is presumptuous and arrogant on your part. How can you presume that your feelings and thoughts are the ONLY way to perceive autism?? YOU are discriminating against my child by equating him to his disability.
Autism is my son’s struggle. Autism is the reason my son cannot read and comprehend information, I am CONVINCED he would have no problem with this skill without autism. Autism is the reason my son doesn’t want to play with the neighborhood kids and doesn’t engage in age appropriate activities like riding bikes in a pack, playing baseball or playing video games. Having two NT children before him, I have absolute conviction that he would do these things without autism. Autism causes my son to have poor impulse control, poor sensory regulation and self-injurious behaviors. I cannot believe he enjoys feeling out of control. I have heard story after story after story of high functioning children with autism distraught because of their struggles and lamenting the condition that causes it.
I do not hate my CHILD, and I do not HATE autistics just because I cannot embrace Autism. I resent like He** your decree that I do, that one cannot be separated from the other!! In your bid for acceptance you have promoted judgment and criticism of parents who do not share you beliefs. There are many valid ways to feel about any given condition or situation, and no person has the right to dictate the way another person MUST view it. Its no different than religion – your convictions are valid to you in your experiences and understanding, but I am entitled to see things differently. I am not telling you that you are wrong for your feelings and perspective on autism, what makes you think you have the right to condemn, criticize and denounce my feelings or anyone else’s for that matter??
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“I don’t hate YOU, just this part of you.”
Really?
And no, I can’t judge your feelings, but what I can beg you not to do is to pass on your hate to your child about something that they may or may not feel is in fact intrinsic to who they are. If your child grows up to feel that it is…and you’ve spent their childhood pronouncing your hatred… what are you saying to them?
Is that really a chance you want to be taking with their sense of self?
I can’t dictate your feelings, but you have no right to dictate your child’s either, or to dictate your child’s identity or make pronouncements about how they will or won’t feel about their own condition. That belongs to them, not you.
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Your comparison to religion, also, is more apt than you may think.
Yes, everyone has a right to feel and believe whatever they believe.
What you don’t have a right to do is harm to other people in the name of your feelings or beliefs. (Just as I can live according to strictures of my own religious beliefs, but I don’t have the right to coerce someone else to.)
The accounts of harm done to autistic people in the name of other people’s right to hatred of autism, are innumerable.
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And because SOME people do harm to autistic people means that EVERY parent who resents autism is ABUSIVE? That’s stereotyping. Not every muslim is a radial muslim. Not every parent who dislikes the impact of autism on their child’s life is an abuser or EVER harms their child. Blanket statements such as those harm everyone, and your credibility.
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Your resentment does harm to your child.
Remember, recent research and much writing by autistic people suggests that we tend to be hyper-empaths, not lacking in empathy. We feel your resentment.
It does a number on our emotional health and sense of self.
Of course, most parents who resent their child’s autism do NOT intend to be abusive. Most of them think that they ARE doing the best for their children.
That doesn’t undo the effects on autistic children of their parents’ resentment. We feel it. We know it. Some of us grow up to feel that autism is intrinsic to who we are, and some don’t.
If your child does…what will you have been saying to them all along about something that they experience to be part of who they are?
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And who says I’m saying it to him or around him?? You are making assumptions, again, informed only by your own experiences or pespective. Your experience is not absolute or empirically correct, any more than mine is wrong.
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You think you have to say it for us to feel it?
I’m not making assumptions; I’m telling you the chances you’re taking, based on the writing and personal accounts of a LOT of autistic people, about our experiences with ultra-sensitivity to the emotional states of others, to the displeasure of our parents, and with knowing that we were not wanted the way we were.
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Oh come ON. You are judging autism and with it autistic people. She doesnt like the way that feels and is judging you for judging autism. You dont like the way THAT feels and are now judging her for daring to judge your judgement of autism. She has a right to “condemn, criticize and denounce” your feelings for the same reason you feel like you have a right to “condemn, criticize and denounce” autism, which is (despite your ridiculoys co.parisons to cancer) a way of FEELING and Perciving about the world.
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Here’s my last comment. Every comment you’ve made you have made with ABSOLUTE conviction, ABSOLUTE certainty that you are right and anyone who doesn’t agree is wrong; that there is no other allowable perspecive but your own. You come off as self-rightous and arrogant and judgmental.
You are WRONG, there is more than just your perspective on this topic and your attitude is an example of not being able to consider perspectives other than your own – a significant social issue with Autism.
Believe how you want and will continue to believe and feel how I want. I will continue to be an amazing parent to my child, further my eductation to pursue licensing to help families affected by autism, and promote ABSOLUTE tolerance and love of parents who are struggling with the impact of autism on their children’s lives and their own. We have enough to deal with without being attacked and criticized for not LOVING autism. Believe me, there is enough guilt when watching our children suffer, we really don’t need you to pile on the guilt about how we are abusing or hurting our children through our feelings – especially when it is opinion and nowhere near fact!
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I am telling you what I have heard from innumerable adult autistic people about our histories and feelings.
What you do with that information is really up to you.
I’ve just told you about the risks that you are taking. Not certainties. But risks.
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OMG! WHERE in your blog post does it say risks?? You stated with absolute conviction and authority that “If you are a parent of an autistic child, you cannot hate autism and love your child. If you hate autism, you hate your child.” & “It is abusive parenting.” & “If you hate autism, you not only hate your child: you hate every single autistic child, every single autistic person.” You left no room for considering that you are not absolutely correct and you did not say “you take the risk of {anything}” You said “you are” “you do” “you cannot” absolutely; certainly! Maybe your “message” would be better received if it wasn’t cloaked in attack, arrogance, criticism and self-rightousness.
And further, I can understand you wanting to share this message, but you do not speak for all autistics, and not all autistics are, feel or perceive things in the same manner. Not all autistics are empaths, many have no cognizance of the feelings and emotions of others. Again, you have come from a place of condemnation and certainty; absolute and unyielding. You wrote in absolutes, not risks. Check yourself. You will not promote anything other than frustration, guilt and resentment when you declare absolutely that these feelings are wrong, abusive and hateful to the PERSON. You negate all of our love, devotion, dedication, acceptance, advocacy, and all of the effort we put in to helping our children become as successful as possible with this blog. You condemn, criticize and attack. You invalidate feelings and create guilt. And nowhere did you say “you take the risk of …”
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I’m sorry, I really think you’re confusing me with the author of this blog. In MY other comments to you, I spoke of the risks that you’re taking with with your child’s self-conception and emotional health.
But this is not my blog and I am not the author of this post.
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“…and your attitude is an example of not being able to consider perspectives other than your own – a significant social issue with Autism.”
It’s not, actually. That’s a piece of bigotry, is what that belief about autistic people is.
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@Chavisory … I apologize – I had mistaken you with the author of the blog. I stand by what I said, every single word but most comments are aimed at the author…(arrogance, absolutes etc). Please accept my apology for this confusion.
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Exactly chavisory, I gasped out loud when I read that quote. An attempt to silence us with our autism.
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Not to even mention…as if we haven’t actually considered the viewpoint that we’re defective as people and autism deserves our hatred?
No, most of us have. Most of us have spent a lot of years considering that perspective.
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I did initially consider autism as a flaw, as in the reason for my social communication problems. I didn’t see my restrictive or repetitive behaviours as a problem. When my boys were diagnosed, I was afraid that they would have the same problems as me in relating to their peers and that they might be miserable like I was as a teenager and young adult- chronic anxiety and depression. However, I never hated autism, it was just a ‘no blame’ explanation for my difficulties with socialising. Later, after much reading (autobiographies, journal articles etc) I came to be proud of my autism and who I am as a result (direct and indirect) of my autism. Autism has given me great perspective (ironically) on people and life that others just don’t get :)
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Sorry, slightly misinterpreted your comment…yes of course, as you say, we/I I have considered the ‘hate perspective’ especially prevalent on social media and considered it and rejected it. Fear yes, shame yes, frustration yes, sometimes to all those (brene browns books on shame are awesome) but hate never. Thx I appreciate your words :)
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“a significant social issue with Autism.”
Wow! Just…wow. Do you honestly think that when you say something like that you will be seen as someone who respects Autistic people? That was hateful and unnecessary! Especially when someone is trying to explain to you how much it hurts to hear those sorts of things. We can speak with authority because we’ve lived it!
I don’t know if it’s just my (flawed? over-sensitive? empathetic? Autistic?) impression, but it seems like this really hit a nerve with you and when that happens it’s often a sign there’s some truth to it. You’ve certainly showed your true colors today when speaking to adults, and I have faith you can do better.
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Amen Maria. I’m glad you have the guts to speak out on this forum, but honestly, the ND types are not interested in another viewpoint. There are several adults with autism that would LOVE a cure and would welcome it as bringing a new improved version of themselves. They are not welcome in discussions such as these.
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Thank you :) And I can see that alternate viewpoints are definitely not welcome. I am ashamed I let the original blog post push my buttons and even more so the subsequent interactions, but I’m human. My son is my primary focus in life and I was incensed by the nerve of someone to declare I cannot love my son if I don’t love autism. Many autistic adults don’t love it either – so they hate themselves? No they dislike the challenges that this neurological condition creates for them. But that will fall on deaf ears. Apparently the ND responders are convinced they speak for everyone and they cannot possibly be incorrect in any way.
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I note that your comments weren’t deleted just disagreed with. I also note that there are women who hate feminists, gay people who hate their own homosexuality etc there were even African Americans who supported slavery (http://www.theroot.com/articles/history/2013/03/black_slave_owners_did_they_exist.html). There have always been oppressed people who supported their oppressors, hated people who supported their haters ideology for many reasons, so of course there will be autistic people who hate their autism (doesn’t make for a great argument).
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Maria, your ableist hate speech being disagreed with and called out is not censorship. Your comments are not being deleted. You are being called out on your ableist hate speech. I’m sorry that you are unable to deal with that.
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Comments like mom and marias always leave me wondering why ppl say autistics are the ones w/o empathy. Smdh. This is infuriating. On behalf of all the moms, I appologize for their completely insensitive, selfish, and factually just wrong comments. I am eternally thankful for ppl like chavisory and rachel who can somehow put themselves out there in a way that i personally have learned a lot from. I love my kid. I love the way his brown eyes dont sparkle the same way my blue ones do, but instead suck me in like a tractor beam. I love the way he giggles at me when I’m being especially grumpy and not in the mood for giggles, and I love the way his autism has challenged and expanded my previously boring brain and cliche assumptions about the world.
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Except diabetes is a fuel delivery system gone wrong, whereas Autism is a Honda where you were expecting a Nissan. And of course loving Autism doesn’t mean allowing the Autistic person to suffer, it simply means being accepting of the person, Autism and all, as you and they work together to mitigate their disability and thus alleviating any suffering. Simples!
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All I can say is how dare you. I’m not sure what your goal was other than to get lots of hits on your site. How dare you say I don’t love my child? Why did you employ the TEEACH method if you think Autism is so awesome? Why didn’t your child just go to regular school? Did you enjoy the helmet days and say “wow this autism rocks! I love autism! Bring me more autism today!”. How dare you equate a neurological condition with race and sexual preference. Are you really that narrow minded? I will not share this article because it is garbage and I won’t give it one more view. Shame on you.
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Bravo, well said , I’m with you all the way! What a pile of tripe, Ray. You don’t speak for me.
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Thank you, i was thinking the very same thing. Complete garbage, it especially bothers me because i know as a parent with a little one on the spectrum how deep my pain and confusion are at times. This thought system is wrong, upsetting, and just frankly could send a fellow Autism parents into a downward spiral of depression. This was not helpful or supportive to the Autism community as a whole.
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Permission to reblog? Because people need to be reading this.
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Of course, Carolyn. Thank you.
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Reblogged this on TAG and commented:
If you’re the parent of an autistic child who believes, and says, “I hate autism, but I love my child,” you’re trapped in an logical fallacy, Worse, you are teaching your child to hate himself or herself.
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A think to consider, for parents who are resistant to hearing the message of this post:
Your child cannot become non-autistic for you. Your child can’t separate themselves from their autism for you.
You say you hate autism and not your child, but how is your autistic child supposed to avoid the hate directed at their autism?
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Thank you for saying it like it is! You will probably get some (more?) angry comments, but remember there are many of us who feel the same as you and who are right behind you.
For anyone questioning how we know this sort of insidious hate is abuse: we don’t need a study to prove hitting your kid with a baseball bat is abuse, any more than we need a study to prove internalized hate (whether outwardly expressed or not) is abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are abuse as well. They just don’t leave visible scars.
If you’re bold enough to sit and make “cute” little memes on Facebook about how much hate you hold in your heart, it’s spilling out and overflowing into other parts of your life as well. Like slime, you leave a trail of hatred oozes from your pores everywhere you go. It clings to your child and they don’t know how to wipe it off.
Why not knit warm blankets of love and acceptance they can wrap around themselves, comfortable, calming and protective?
How do you want your child to think of you when they are older?
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“I apologize – I had mistaken you with the author of the blog. I stand by what I said, every single word but most comments are aimed at the author…(arrogance, absolutes etc). Please accept my apology for this confusion.”
Maria–your confusion and mistaken identity are not what you need to be apologizing for.
Maybe the condescension, false accusations, and attempt to use of a common piece of bigotry against autistic people to undermine what I was actually saying?
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Reblogged this on Opposite Ends of the Spectrum and commented:
Yay for daddies who get it
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my son still struggles to accept being autistic because it’s hard for him in a world that isn’t inclusive and he is an age where you really still want to be ‘like the other kids’. he said once ‘i hate my autism. i want it to go away.’ i told him that makes about so much sense as saying ‘i hate my arm. let’s hack it off.’ your arm might look different than that of others.. and it might not be good at some things – but maybe it’s really good at other things, you’ll just have to find out! and for the things that are harder, i am here to help. you are complete with that arm. you are you. i would not want you any other way.
language really matters. if you ‘hate’, ‘fight’ or want to ‘eradicate’ autism… you are declaring war on our kids. it has to stop.
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Speaking as someone with autism, one thing about your response that troubles me is that you didn’t ask why, you just projected your interpretation onto what you thought he was trying to say. Maybe he was trying to tell you something else that was connected to the autism was bothering him.
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Reblogged this on Walking Running Stumbling.
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There seems to be a misconception that when you love someone, you can’t possibly hate something about them. Love is about acceptance of the things we don’t love even when we dislike or even hate those same attributes. I doubt any parent is not accepting of who their child is, they just hate the suffering that autism causes for the child. Being gay is not comparable to having autism. In many ways it’s very similar to a congenital illness that causes physical pain, the screams and cries make you hate the illness not your child. Is it apart of them? Yes. Is it making them suffer in ways that seem unbearable for them and the parent? Also yes.
Love is not black and white, it’s not an all or nothing. Thinking so is probably how people deal with a situation they have no control over. If this works for you then by all means but do not imply that all other moms who can separate and differentiate love and autism and who can speak from the heart are any less of a parent than you are.
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The problem with such magical thinking , is that it’s not realistic. People who claim to love their children while hating the thing that makes them who they are often wind up committing filicide, and no one who truly loves someone could ever contemplate killing them even during the worst times. I have personal experience of this since my parents put me through a living hell for years trying to ‘recover me from Autism’, but the most I ever imagined was them being involved in some kind of fatal accident while not with me.
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“People who claim to love their children while hating the thing that makes them who they are often wind up committing filicide, and no one who truly loves someone could ever contemplate killing them even during the worst times.”
You’ve created another fallacy here. The fact that some people kill their children does not equal “parents who hate what autism does to their children contemplate killing them.” I’m really sorry you wished for your parents to die, I’m sorry if you believed they wished for you to die. Is it possible this is a constructed perception?
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In every case except two, the filicide and attempted filicide of an Autistic person has been preceded by hatred of the Autistic person’s neurology. In the other two cases, one was where the mother was mentally ill and paranoid (making her one of those rare mentally ill people who deliberately harm others), and in the other the mother only imagined driving her Autistic daughter and herself off the George Washington Bridge.
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“they just hate the suffering that autism causes…”
The problem with this is that you have (maybe without realizing it) defined autism as “that thing which makes my child suffer.” And that definition is wrong. I know its wrong. Because when you get a diagnosis they ask things like “does he repeat sounds ot phrases” but not “does he get bullied at school?” Or “does he like himself?” But mostly I know this because my son has autism 24/7, but he only “suffers” like maybe a half hour a week like every other kid his age. Meanwhile some teenagers “suffer” for pretty much 2 years straight whether or not they have autism. Autism is not the equivalent of suffering, and rationalizing your issues this way is actually incredibly offensive to autistics and their loved ones. You don’t want other parents to judge you. But when you attribute every form of suffering your child expeiences to his autism… you are judging my child, and every other autistic person and i won’t have it go unresponded to. You are wrong about the source of your child’s suffering. How do i know – your judgement causes suffering in me. My judgement may cause suffering in you. And neither one of us is autistic. Hell is other people.
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